THE MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

A very ordinary woman

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A message apparentIy from myself to myself according to Tumblr. So I’m getting suspicious. Had Your Residence Reversed

'He wrote' (I'll refrain from using his Tumblr name for now)

"I re-read your blog and now realize that you currently live in Scotland but are from southern England.  My surname is xxxxxx, my maternal grandmother’s family was mostly of Scottish descent, and we attended a Presbyterian church during my childhood.  Consequently, my mother was always proud of our Scottish heritage and would dress me in tartans as much as possible.  I still smile a little whenever I see a St. Andrew’s Cross.

I was in London on business in May of 2012.  While I was in England, I went to Bath to see the Roman ruins and the Georgian architecture.  (I studied Latin in High School and have always admired the Romans.  Also, I have always been partial to Georgian style architecture.  In the mid-Atlantic region of the United States, Georgian style buildings are almost always built with beautiful red bricks fired from clay native to my region.  I love that sort of regionalism.)  I thought the countryside and the buildings were beautiful.

I believe the original settlers of Virginia in the 17th Century were primarily Cavaliers from the south of England who sought refuge in the wilds of Virginia to avoid the parliamentarian roundheads.  They were joined by the Scots in the 18th Century. I think you have both of my bases covered.

I have a question for you.  What do the three Mandarin character tattoos mean?

I am having trouble with MY TWITTER ACCOUNT and believe you have only sent 1 message to me at that account.  If you have sent more, I apologize for not responding”.

This is my reply (to myself apparently as ‘I’ wrote this message, only I didn’t) to him, or whoever it is that’s playing me. Maybe Mr. Kemp has gotten smarter but this sounds too smart for him tbh. So who’s it really from? Not sure I can see a good explanation for this just fake people having another shot at me and I’m tired of that. If you’re a real person then just be yourself, trying to fool me is starting off with a huge lie & I’ve been lied to enough…

My reply today 23/8/14 “You only now have a Tumblr account so we can talk - so HOW did you find me then? And how come a couple of your messages (including the first one) show, very clearly, that It was ME who sent the message to myself (& I didn’t) as they show MY avi as the person posing the question & I cannot reply TO them (bcos I apparently sent them) only edit them (bcos I sent them)? So someone has hacked my Tumblr account. It’s an amazing coincidence that you’re in N Va of all places too. Kind of optimistic to offer to take someone out when they could be absolutely anywhere in the US. In your last message (that was from “you” but not from me, it had ‘your’ avi - I do know who that picture is of btw, sad that he’s dead) you specifically said you DIDN’T have a Twitter account (“I don’t have a Twitter account. I set up the Tumblr account specifically so that I can correspond with you. It sounds like you and I may have crossed paths in life if you first came to Northern Virginia when you were 9”) when I asked, after receiving this message. Of course if you saw my Twitter account you’d have known I was in N Va bcos I said so several times.

If you have good answers for these questions I’d really like to hear them. You sound like a very interesting man but only if you’re what/who you say you are & my alarm bells are going off very loudly. So try some honesty tho it might be rather too late for that.”

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A belated reply….but not as late as I can be…

In response to someone unknown asking if I’d take the time to get to know him & see if it had anywhere to go. So…

Well this is the way to approach me…..I didn’t join Twitter, or Tumblr, to find a man. And for months after I had (I have an ‘ordinary’ Twitter account too) I had less than no idea that there was sex & men everywhere on it. I did get hit on from day two say but took me a while to catch on….though as you can see I absolutely have now! I do still have the ‘normal’ account too though.

Where you live & your age are mostly irrelevant. I have no fixed idea of a dream man though being in the UK would be a plus! I have met the closest thing I’ll ever find to a dream man though, via Twitter, but we’ve been friends forever & although, like me, he’s far from perfect he is bloody amazing. And not interested in me except as a friend. And lives in the US. So I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him again & I do know he knows me well enough to not want me in any way except as a distant friend. Life’s a bitch. At least he didn’t let me down, that’s a first.
So yes, no problem hon. Let’s talk. Here, though you need to set up a proper account and/or on Twitter - @de_ja_vu_who. You’ve read my epic Tumblr so you know my experiences are mostly unhappy but I haven’t given up & I never will. You only live once so grab what life puts in front of you.

Consider yourself grabbed. But also know there is never just one man after me & that I scare easy. And scare men off easily too. Danger of heart on sleeve & being honest & open. Unsurprisingly I hate to be lied to & even my dream man saw fit to lie to me. I may understand why he did but I still don’t like that he did or that he maybe thought I was stupid enough to not know when a man is lying. Like I said, he’s far from perfect. Like I said, I’m far from perfect too though.

And one small PS, I hate smokers, lost too many people too young to side effects of that addiction & they never smell (or taste) very good either. I’m rabidly anti-smoking. That will never change.

The ball is in your court.

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So where did he go?

Got this message while I was in the US but with so much going on & having the one guy I really wanted to see available I didn’t reply before my return, to this….

While You are in the United States
I ran across your Tumblr blog. I see that you are probably near the end of your trip through the United States. I live in Northern Virginia just outside of Washington, D.C. I would love to have coffee with you if you are in town. Otherwise, I would love to correspond with you.
I am 45 years old and the greatest love of my life would now be 52. I am very well put together, have a good career, and meet all of the requirements for a man that you listed in your blog. I know you have been hurt badly and I definitely know emotional pain from personal experience. (My family’s story is a bit of a Southern Gothic story akin to one of William Faulkner’s books.) I am sympathetic to how you react to your life circumstances, and am a great story-teller who can usually disarm someone with a good anecdote.
I usually am able to laugh at the bad things that happened in my life after I get perspective, and I am confident I can make you laugh too. Please write back.

Now the guy who sent this has gone back & edited out his (contrived) email address but I would always have had to answer publicly - anonymous contacts can only be answered this way. I’d have said thank you for the offer but I don’t risk meeting complete strangers that I know nothing about & at such short notice. I’ll take risks but not that big a risk. Not going to hand out even one of my fake email addresses to someone I know nothing about.

If you, whoever you are, see this, and if you’re not my stalker (pretty sure you aren’t actually, I’m quite good at spotting him these days) then take the time to set up a Tumblr or a Twitter account & get to know me. I rushed in to meeting someone once & it was just the most unpleasant experience & there’s no sane way to agree to meet you at such short notice. Talk to me first. Be warned tho, my bullshit detectors are actually getting quite good these days….I carry salt with me wherever I go so I always have a pinch to hand when needed.

It’s frequently needed.

And the bit you took out - your email address - well I don’t remember it but I do remember it was along these lines…. JohnSmithLawyer@……I don’t think you’re a lawyer & nobody would use an email address like that if genuine. I don’t judge by social position but by the content of your character, I’m not impressed by ‘lawyer’, I am impressed by honesty & sensitivity & the general picture your words paint. So I thought of replying, along those lines, and saying no, I need to know you first & that was way too short notice, let’s talk. But then you came back & cut out the email address & I seriously doubt you’re a lawyer so starting with a lie isn’t going to convince me you’re genuine. You may be, I may be wrong but my gut says I’m not. Which is a pity because I’ll almost certainly be back next year & that gives you plenty of time to get to know me, and I you doesn’t it?

If you’re real, and you do write very well, then please start over. If you’re catfishing me….well I didn’t rise to the bait did I? Because I can be dumb but not that dumb. And I had someone else I wanted to, and did, see while I was over. Not to mention rather a lot of friends too…

170 notes

Photoshopped! Not to say I don’t edit my pictures but usually to cover flaws & most of the time that’s bruises & bright white skin. I have Photoshop on my laptop but I have never added or subtracted inches or painted on abs, rosied up nipples, So many badly photoshopped women on Twitter I’m quite tempted to start an account just showing the pictures. But maybe I’m the only one who cares how entirely fake these pictures are & guys respond to them despite knowing, hopefully, that no women actually are that shape….

Photoshopped! Not to say I don’t edit my pictures but usually to cover flaws & most of the time that’s bruises & bright white skin. I have Photoshop on my laptop but I have never added or subtracted inches or painted on abs, rosied up nipples,

So many badly photoshopped women on Twitter I’m quite tempted to start an account just showing the pictures. But maybe I’m the only one who cares how entirely fake these pictures are & guys respond to them despite knowing, hopefully, that no women actually are that shape….

(via victormancini77)

633 notes

enjoyingtheviews:

Yes, please, Daddy may i wear my pearl happy knots to dinner tonight ?

Love the picture, love the idea, I’ve even toyed with submission in my way but I don’t ever intend to call a man daddy. Too many men want to play at being a Dom when they don’t have the first idea what it really means - to most it’s just getting what you want, when & how you want it. It’s really just ‘me, me, me’ dressed up in clothes they don’t understand. A massive turn off. Amateur hour. And exploitation that doesn’t sit well with me. The picture is bloody hot, the message is absolutely not.

enjoyingtheviews:

Yes, please, Daddy may i wear my pearl happy knots to dinner tonight ?

Love the picture, love the idea, I’ve even toyed with submission in my way but I don’t ever intend to call a man daddy. Too many men want to play at being a Dom when they don’t have the first idea what it really means - to most it’s just getting what you want, when & how you want it. It’s really just ‘me, me, me’ dressed up in clothes they don’t understand. A massive turn off. Amateur hour. And exploitation that doesn’t sit well with me.

The picture is bloody hot, the message is absolutely not.

42 notes

So airbrushed her body doesn’t look real. The only life she has is in her eyes. I’m real. Lumps, bumps, bulges & a bundle of human failings. How do women complete with airbrushed models & do-anything-you-want pornstars? Do men know the difference between real with less-than-perfect bodies & sexually innocent even though I’m consumed with desires & needs & all fucked up too. I don’t know what men want but it seems they don’t want (all of) me when I’d take you, screwed up bits and all. Perfect is boring & sometimes perfect is hidden beneath a-bit-fucked-up-but-trying-my-best. I look beneath the surface & see the good & the good-at-bad bits too. Do other people?

So airbrushed her body doesn’t look real. The only life she has is in her eyes.

I’m real. Lumps, bumps, bulges & a bundle of human failings. How do women complete with airbrushed models & do-anything-you-want pornstars?

Do men know the difference between real with less-than-perfect bodies & sexually innocent even though I’m consumed with desires & needs & all fucked up too.

I don’t know what men want but it seems they don’t want (all of) me when I’d take you, screwed up bits and all. Perfect is boring & sometimes perfect is hidden beneath a-bit-fucked-up-but-trying-my-best. I look beneath the surface & see the good & the good-at-bad bits too. Do other people?

(Source: dirrtymarc, via nightfire65)

1,581 notes

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

No love songs, no love, no want, no need, no have to have, no now! No pleas, no desire, no racing heart, no struggle to breathe, no protector, no tender, no private jokes, no intense moments, no lust, no lost in your eyes, no safe in your arms.Tired of being unwanted, uncomplimented, undesired or invisible. Life is good but I need great. I’m not settling for nothing, I want it all. But I can’t do it by myself can I?

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

No love songs, no love, no want, no need, no have to have, no now! No pleas, no desire, no racing heart, no struggle to breathe, no protector, no tender, no private jokes, no intense moments, no lust, no lost in your eyes, no safe in your arms.

Tired of being unwanted, uncomplimented, undesired or invisible. Life is good but I need great. I’m not settling for nothing, I want it all. But I can’t do it by myself can I?

8 notes

Tumblr 

Hi Tumblr, I’m not dead as you can see. I’ve been so busy with real life that my cyber life has been on pause. I’m just getting back on to Twitter in a slightly more normal way and I have a lot on my mind about me, family & where I go next. So that means I’d love to be blogging this stuff out of my system.

Right now Tumblr is being an ass & if I try to reply to my messages (and I have tried!) it only gives me the option to edit the messages sent TO me. That seems a little pointless! I will try again soon! So sorry for my failure to reply guys.

Seriously good stuff has happened but much as I might want it to it’s not going to change my life in any meaningful way. Being able to see the negative in everything is a major failure of mine but I suspect that not seeing a future in the good stuff is the reality, not just me. So, yes, someone seriously un-let me down while I was in the US & although I was disappointed in some ways I still have to pinch myself to believe it even happened. I was ludicrously happy for a while there. I’m rapidly coming back to earth but still, it was great, beyond great. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same but absolutely certain that I didn’t horrify him in the flesh & he did enjoy finally meeting me, twice. He came back for more so it can’t have been too terrible can it? 

Sex? No, sadly not, I’m pretty sure my sex life is done & gone. Kissed? Well platonically but yes. I don’t kiss ashtrays & he’s got stuff going on. See him again? I have no idea but if I said see him platonically I’d say there’s a good chance of that. I know what I want but it’s not even practical, let alone likely. I’m pretty certain he doesn’t want more. I’ve tried asking but I don’t get a response. Well not a direct one. Which is an answer in itself. But what’s the rush anyway? I’m not going to be anywhere near him for about 10 months & who knows what may happen in those 10 months. 

My life is changing, no idea if it will be for the better and no idea where it will take me. Lots of stuff to get out of my system about the challenges I faced while away because of a ‘friend’ & those challenges have followed me back to the UK. There is one very twisted woman in my life & she’s trying to fuck it up. She should focus on fucking up her children’s lives instead because she’s remarkably good at that. So good it followed me back over the Atlantic. She may be far away but her insanity nearly cost me dear while I was in the US & rammed itself back in to my life this week. The story will continue….hopefully not for the rest of my life. Not at the rate she drinks..

It was a wonderful trip, a fabulous wedding, my amazing friends & time with my gorgeous girlies just being myself. I loved it. What a great trip. I’m really smiling now. Thank you America but mostly thank you to my lifelong friends for being the best you could ever wish for, except crazy woman, she’s just so damn screwed up. At least she has entertainment value when you reflect on it…

And thank you that man for restoring my faith in you. I loved every second. Still laughing about that driving licence. Maybe we should have….I’m a happy bunny right now. 

Someone remind me of that next time I sink down in to misery. There are great men out there. I just need to meet more of them!

Tumblr

Hi Tumblr, I’m not dead as you can see. I’ve been so busy with real life that my cyber life has been on pause. I’m just getting back on to Twitter in a slightly more normal way and I have a lot on my mind about me, family & where I go next. So that means I’d love to be blogging this stuff out of my system.

Right now Tumblr is being an ass & if I try to reply to my messages (and I have tried!) it only gives me the option to edit the messages sent TO me. That seems a little pointless! I will try again soon! So sorry for my failure to reply guys.

Seriously good stuff has happened but much as I might want it to it’s not going to change my life in any meaningful way. Being able to see the negative in everything is a major failure of mine but I suspect that not seeing a future in the good stuff is the reality, not just me. So, yes, someone seriously un-let me down while I was in the US & although I was disappointed in some ways I still have to pinch myself to believe it even happened. I was ludicrously happy for a while there. I’m rapidly coming back to earth but still, it was great, beyond great. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same but absolutely certain that I didn’t horrify him in the flesh & he did enjoy finally meeting me, twice. He came back for more so it can’t have been too terrible can it?

Sex? No, sadly not, I’m pretty sure my sex life is done & gone. Kissed? Well platonically but yes. I don’t kiss ashtrays & he’s got stuff going on. See him again? I have no idea but if I said see him platonically I’d say there’s a good chance of that. I know what I want but it’s not even practical, let alone likely. I’m pretty certain he doesn’t want more. I’ve tried asking but I don’t get a response. Well not a direct one. Which is an answer in itself. But what’s the rush anyway? I’m not going to be anywhere near him for about 10 months & who knows what may happen in those 10 months.

My life is changing, no idea if it will be for the better and no idea where it will take me. Lots of stuff to get out of my system about the challenges I faced while away because of a ‘friend’ & those challenges have followed me back to the UK. There is one very twisted woman in my life & she’s trying to fuck it up. She should focus on fucking up her children’s lives instead because she’s remarkably good at that. So good it followed me back over the Atlantic. She may be far away but her insanity nearly cost me dear while I was in the US & rammed itself back in to my life this week. The story will continue….hopefully not for the rest of my life. Not at the rate she drinks..

It was a wonderful trip, a fabulous wedding, my amazing friends & time with my gorgeous girlies just being myself. I loved it. What a great trip. I’m really smiling now. Thank you America but mostly thank you to my lifelong friends for being the best you could ever wish for, except crazy woman, she’s just so damn screwed up. At least she has entertainment value when you reflect on it…

And thank you that man for restoring my faith in you. I loved every second. Still laughing about that driving licence. Maybe we should have….I’m a happy bunny right now.

Someone remind me of that next time I sink down in to misery. There are great men out there. I just need to meet more of them!

7 notes

When no matter what you do it’s never good enough.

I’m swamped by trying to sort out a million things before I go away for a few weeks, 4 of them in the US, for a wedding & seeing my best friend. She is one of a kind, she’s never once let me down & we have known each other forever.

But there’s one thing that’s dragging me down with every small thing I do to get ready. This trip is about seeing my best friends in the world, there’s 19 of them & I’m going to see the rest of their families too so that’s up to 50 people. But there’s one person I won’t be seeing & the knowing that is making me really unhappy. And fat, I’m miserable so I’m eating too much.

He said he wasn’t responsible for my happiness (sounds bad out of context but it really wasn’t) but the lack of what he offered me is responsible for my unhappiness. 

Oh I’ve gone on & on about him I know but he was different because he was a friend for a very long time & because he was a fellow victim of domestic abuse. I liked him from day one & I absolutely trusted him. If anybody could understand me it was him, wasn’t it?

A kiss, he offered me a kiss. That stupid thing that means so much more to me than anything. I have no doubt he was also offering sex & I had every intention of taking him up on both offers. At last, a kiss, well lots & sex with a guy I really liked & absolutely trusted. At last. Bury the past & live in the moment. Move on, at last. New memories.

He said I was way out of his league. I assume at that point he thought I was in my thirties & gorgeous. You know I’m neither. He couldn’t be bothered to tell me I was ok to look at despite him being crippled by self-doubt too. That’s pretty cold. And all the confirmation I ever needed that I’m not even plain, I’m ugly. If you have nothing polite to say then say nothing - I told him that that was the message I got from his complete failure to respond & he took it mean I understood that he’d just not bothered to reply. Even though he knew I hate how I look & that he hates the way he looks too, genuinely. He’s gorgeous btw & I told him that plenty of times. The second set of pictures I sent him, well that email was never replied to. Ever. So I get it, thanks, I’m old & I’m ugly. So it’s hardly surprising no one has wanted to kiss me in decades is it? Stupid ugly (and far too old) me.

He said he didn’t play games & I certainly don’t. But I think ignoring someone when you know that will hurt them, and hugely further the self-doubt they have, is some kind of game isn’t it? I said I say what I’m thinking & feeling, unless it hurts someone, because lies hurt & they’re complicated to maintain. He did the same, as much as any man can. So no game playing involved. 

I know I’m a million miles from perfect, I know I’m old, I know I’m ugly & I know I’m completely fucked up. Why I am is half of my Tumblr, where I was going to get stuff out of my system & moving on from that past was meant to be the rest. The past that fucked me up, the past he shared. I naively thought that having gone through the same things he’d understand me - not that I’m actually that complicated because it’s all here. If you’ve read this you understand me. It’s that simple. Only like all the other men he couldn’t be bothered & he certainly couldn’t be bothered to say anything. Again, if you have nothing polite to say, say nothing. Saying nothing is a crystal clear cold way to hurt me. 

As is walking away without a word. No explanation. So the guy I’d known for ages, who I really liked, who I totally trusted, who was gorgeous & smart & funny & kind, walked away, with no explanation. That it was a man I knew I could trust, and did trust, and respect, and like…….that’s why I keep crying every time I’m doing something related to going away because I was so wrong. So trusting. So stupid. So old. So ugly. And too fucked up for even someone who really knew what fucked up meant to do me that small courtesy.

I fly out June 8th. I fly in to the airport he works at. We could be within a hundred yards of each other. So it’ll be pretty hard to forget that he exists. I’ll be with my friends. That means I’ll be in the same area as him the whole time I’m there. We could, just an outside chance, bump in to each other. So it’ll be pretty hard to forget that he exists. The whole time. And every time I’m there because these are my best friends & that area is my second home & I’ve been through that airport a hundred times, literally. 

I’d use his name but it’s a very rare one & despite the fact he chose to make a fool of me, chose to do what would really have hurt him, to me, knowing how it’d make him/me feel, I still respect his privacy. Because I am that stupid. And that trusting & open & every man can & will take advantage of that. Even the ones who know exactly how it feels to be the me I am now. 

So no matter what I do I’m never good enough. I briefly thought I was, but no, I’m absolutely not. And he taught me that. That really hurts & every thing I do to get ready to fly I’m reminded. And humiliated. So humiliated by my own naïvety & by thinking that knowing someone relatively well & thinking of them as a friend is the route to ever greater self-hatred because I am wrong to have trusted even him. 

*I was pathetically ‘saving myself’ or rather my pussy for a man worth saving it for because I’m old & therefore old-fashioned. It’s also stupid because it’s never going to happen & soon I’ll be old enough that men will throw up when they look at my body. They mentally throw up when they see my face already. I learn something from every man I encounter but this was a very special lesson from a man with zero empathy or care. So here, have the best view I’ve posted, so far. As my self-respect totally evaporates you’ll see more. 

Now I’m going to have a stiff drink & a sleeping pill so I can stop feeling. Some chocolate because what my body looks like is completely irrelevant now & forever. I wish I was already back from this trip because I had so looked forward to it, not just for him, but for a lot of reasons. Now it just hurts time & again, day after day. Even flying Upper Class has lost it’s appeal. I just want it over.

When no matter what you do it’s never good enough.

I’m swamped by trying to sort out a million things before I go away for a few weeks, 4 of them in the US, for a wedding & seeing my best friend. She is one of a kind, she’s never once let me down & we have known each other forever.

But there’s one thing that’s dragging me down with every small thing I do to get ready. This trip is about seeing my best friends in the world, there’s 19 of them & I’m going to see the rest of their families too so that’s up to 50 people. But there’s one person I won’t be seeing & the knowing that is making me really unhappy. And fat, I’m miserable so I’m eating too much.

He said he wasn’t responsible for my happiness (sounds bad out of context but it really wasn’t) but the lack of what he offered me is responsible for my unhappiness.

Oh I’ve gone on & on about him I know but he was different because he was a friend for a very long time & because he was a fellow victim of domestic abuse. I liked him from day one & I absolutely trusted him. If anybody could understand me it was him, wasn’t it?

A kiss, he offered me a kiss. That stupid thing that means so much more to me than anything. I have no doubt he was also offering sex & I had every intention of taking him up on both offers. At last, a kiss, well lots & sex with a guy I really liked & absolutely trusted. At last. Bury the past & live in the moment. Move on, at last. New memories.

He said I was way out of his league. I assume at that point he thought I was in my thirties & gorgeous. You know I’m neither. He couldn’t be bothered to tell me I was ok to look at despite him being crippled by self-doubt too. That’s pretty cold. And all the confirmation I ever needed that I’m not even plain, I’m ugly. If you have nothing polite to say then say nothing - I told him that that was the message I got from his complete failure to respond & he took it mean I understood that he’d just not bothered to reply. Even though he knew I hate how I look & that he hates the way he looks too, genuinely. He’s gorgeous btw & I told him that plenty of times. The second set of pictures I sent him, well that email was never replied to. Ever. So I get it, thanks, I’m old & I’m ugly. So it’s hardly surprising no one has wanted to kiss me in decades is it? Stupid ugly (and far too old) me.

He said he didn’t play games & I certainly don’t. But I think ignoring someone when you know that will hurt them, and hugely further the self-doubt they have, is some kind of game isn’t it? I said I say what I’m thinking & feeling, unless it hurts someone, because lies hurt & they’re complicated to maintain. He did the same, as much as any man can. So no game playing involved.

I know I’m a million miles from perfect, I know I’m old, I know I’m ugly & I know I’m completely fucked up. Why I am is half of my Tumblr, where I was going to get stuff out of my system & moving on from that past was meant to be the rest. The past that fucked me up, the past he shared. I naively thought that having gone through the same things he’d understand me - not that I’m actually that complicated because it’s all here. If you’ve read this you understand me. It’s that simple. Only like all the other men he couldn’t be bothered & he certainly couldn’t be bothered to say anything. Again, if you have nothing polite to say, say nothing. Saying nothing is a crystal clear cold way to hurt me.

As is walking away without a word. No explanation. So the guy I’d known for ages, who I really liked, who I totally trusted, who was gorgeous & smart & funny & kind, walked away, with no explanation. That it was a man I knew I could trust, and did trust, and respect, and like…….that’s why I keep crying every time I’m doing something related to going away because I was so wrong. So trusting. So stupid. So old. So ugly. And too fucked up for even someone who really knew what fucked up meant to do me that small courtesy.

I fly out June 8th. I fly in to the airport he works at. We could be within a hundred yards of each other. So it’ll be pretty hard to forget that he exists. I’ll be with my friends. That means I’ll be in the same area as him the whole time I’m there. We could, just an outside chance, bump in to each other. So it’ll be pretty hard to forget that he exists. The whole time. And every time I’m there because these are my best friends & that area is my second home & I’ve been through that airport a hundred times, literally.

I’d use his name but it’s a very rare one & despite the fact he chose to make a fool of me, chose to do what would really have hurt him, to me, knowing how it’d make him/me feel, I still respect his privacy. Because I am that stupid. And that trusting & open & every man can & will take advantage of that. Even the ones who know exactly how it feels to be the me I am now.

So no matter what I do I’m never good enough. I briefly thought I was, but no, I’m absolutely not. And he taught me that. That really hurts & every thing I do to get ready to fly I’m reminded. And humiliated. So humiliated by my own naïvety & by thinking that knowing someone relatively well & thinking of them as a friend is the route to ever greater self-hatred because I am wrong to have trusted even him.

*I was pathetically ‘saving myself’ or rather my pussy for a man worth saving it for because I’m old & therefore old-fashioned. It’s also stupid because it’s never going to happen & soon I’ll be old enough that men will throw up when they look at my body. They mentally throw up when they see my face already. I learn something from every man I encounter but this was a very special lesson from a man with zero empathy or care. So here, have the best view I’ve posted, so far. As my self-respect totally evaporates you’ll see more.

Now I’m going to have a stiff drink & a sleeping pill so I can stop feeling. Some chocolate because what my body looks like is completely irrelevant now & forever. I wish I was already back from this trip because I had so looked forward to it, not just for him, but for a lot of reasons. Now it just hurts time & again, day after day. Even flying Upper Class has lost it’s appeal. I just want it over.

Filed under The Middle Aged Woman naive stupid old ugly nude

8 notes

Everything must end.

I was coasting along on Twitter for a while, had the support of a bunch of the bigger names & in the background, as always, a group of guys hitting on me. 

One guy fell in to both camps. I was so fond of him & definitely attached, even though we both knew it had nowhere to go but anyway, he was always there for me & I hope I was there for him. But he’s gone & even though I have several ways of contacting him he’s not responding to any of them. I know enough about him to be genuinely concerned but worrying is killing me & getting me nowhere. So that’s his choice or something worse that I don’t want to think about. I miss you Steve, I really really hope you’re ok & that Maggie is too (NOT a girlfriend/wife). 

Everyone drifts in & out of Twitter, and here, and I guess at some point we all drift away back in to the real world. Twitter is my escape, here is where I can talk through some of what makes me tick. Which would exclude sex, forever apparently. So why is it of the group of guys, I call them promoters, some I’ve known nearly 2 years, the rest just a few months but was still close to them, have suddenly vanished en masse? I’ve been abandoned enough times that I should be used to it but never so many so suddenly. So it really hurts. I know it’s not just me they’re leaving but it feels that way today. 

I know I could withstand that better if I hadn’t looked at who I was following only to find a few long-term friends, male & female, but one guy in particular, had disappeared too. Then one woman I’ve ‘known’ a long time, she’s leaving too & I just found out another, I thought was a friend, who had suddenly disappeared a year ago, has actually been back a while but her account is locked. I only know because someone (who’s at least still there) told me. Her choice of course. 

I’m sure others have gone but they weren’t so key to me or they drifted away one by one, not en masse. One of the things that made that easier was there were always men, real people I was close to. But then read my Tumblr & you’ll know how all of those ended. All of them. People walk away from me, nobody ever wanted to stay. At least I felt good, or like a woman, for a while. The men I liked though, well they never liked me or they were just playing with me. Gut-wrenching to see how many of those players, there just to play, have since fallen in to serious relationships with women they met on Twitter. That even happens on my grown up, sensible, political Twitter account too. But never to me. I know they have because they come & tell me they have. I was too far away but a women 3,500 miles away isn’t apparently. Thanks for that. 

And the killer blow, apart from losing Steve, and Steve, and Greg, and Patrick and Martin and….well that was having the guy I’d liked, admired, who made me laugh, who wasn’t there to play games, my really long term friend, just disappear on me too. I’d filed him under genuine, honest & decent. And gorgeous. Way ahead of any man I’d ever met there, or here. Special. Guess what? He fooled me too. He was just…..I don’t know what. Not what he seemed obviously. I don’t know if I’m entirely to blame (he got to know me, he ran when he did) or if it was just a game to him too. Whatever he couldn’t give a damn either & I wasn’t worth 5 minutes in 2 months. I guess I’m unreasonable to expect that. I wouldn’t know because in common with every man who threw me away there was no explanation, couldn’t be bothered to do that much could you RB? 

And that’s how I know I will always be alone. That’s why I’ve given up on men. It’s why I’m giving up on life. The final nail in the coffin of my dreams. I’m selling my home (once I’ve saved some money), leaving the place I love & moving back south to be the only thing that’s left to me, an aunt & a responsible daughter. My parents will die & my niece will grow up & then I’m really forever alone. Though actually I’ve been forever alone since my ex started abusing & then raping me over 10 years ago. 

I was have just been in deluded denial since then. And determined to not let him win. Well it’s ok Gavin, you won, but then you’ve known that forever haven’t you? 

I’m just slow at catching on.

Everything must end.

I was coasting along on Twitter for a while, had the support of a bunch of the bigger names & in the background, as always, a group of guys hitting on me.

One guy fell in to both camps. I was so fond of him & definitely attached, even though we both knew it had nowhere to go but anyway, he was always there for me & I hope I was there for him. But he’s gone & even though I have several ways of contacting him he’s not responding to any of them. I know enough about him to be genuinely concerned but worrying is killing me & getting me nowhere. So that’s his choice or something worse that I don’t want to think about. I miss you Steve, I really really hope you’re ok & that Maggie is too (NOT a girlfriend/wife).

Everyone drifts in & out of Twitter, and here, and I guess at some point we all drift away back in to the real world. Twitter is my escape, here is where I can talk through some of what makes me tick. Which would exclude sex, forever apparently. So why is it of the group of guys, I call them promoters, some I’ve known nearly 2 years, the rest just a few months but was still close to them, have suddenly vanished en masse? I’ve been abandoned enough times that I should be used to it but never so many so suddenly. So it really hurts. I know it’s not just me they’re leaving but it feels that way today.

I know I could withstand that better if I hadn’t looked at who I was following only to find a few long-term friends, male & female, but one guy in particular, had disappeared too. Then one woman I’ve ‘known’ a long time, she’s leaving too & I just found out another, I thought was a friend, who had suddenly disappeared a year ago, has actually been back a while but her account is locked. I only know because someone (who’s at least still there) told me. Her choice of course.

I’m sure others have gone but they weren’t so key to me or they drifted away one by one, not en masse. One of the things that made that easier was there were always men, real people I was close to. But then read my Tumblr & you’ll know how all of those ended. All of them. People walk away from me, nobody ever wanted to stay. At least I felt good, or like a woman, for a while. The men I liked though, well they never liked me or they were just playing with me. Gut-wrenching to see how many of those players, there just to play, have since fallen in to serious relationships with women they met on Twitter. That even happens on my grown up, sensible, political Twitter account too. But never to me. I know they have because they come & tell me they have. I was too far away but a women 3,500 miles away isn’t apparently. Thanks for that.

And the killer blow, apart from losing Steve, and Steve, and Greg, and Patrick and Martin and….well that was having the guy I’d liked, admired, who made me laugh, who wasn’t there to play games, my really long term friend, just disappear on me too. I’d filed him under genuine, honest & decent. And gorgeous. Way ahead of any man I’d ever met there, or here. Special. Guess what? He fooled me too. He was just…..I don’t know what. Not what he seemed obviously. I don’t know if I’m entirely to blame (he got to know me, he ran when he did) or if it was just a game to him too. Whatever he couldn’t give a damn either & I wasn’t worth 5 minutes in 2 months. I guess I’m unreasonable to expect that. I wouldn’t know because in common with every man who threw me away there was no explanation, couldn’t be bothered to do that much could you RB?

And that’s how I know I will always be alone. That’s why I’ve given up on men. It’s why I’m giving up on life. The final nail in the coffin of my dreams. I’m selling my home (once I’ve saved some money), leaving the place I love & moving back south to be the only thing that’s left to me, an aunt & a responsible daughter. My parents will die & my niece will grow up & then I’m really forever alone. Though actually I’ve been forever alone since my ex started abusing & then raping me over 10 years ago.

I was have just been in deluded denial since then. And determined to not let him win. Well it’s ok Gavin, you won, but then you’ve known that forever haven’t you?

I’m just slow at catching on.

0 notes

Still learning 10 years later…

….and because I haven’t been (probably never will be) able to move on. Who would want to take a woman like me on anyway?

Done the counselling, can’t bear to dwell on the 2 awful attempts to move on, but I found this today. It says a lot I never have but it also makes me realise that it’s unlikely I’ll find someone prepared to work with me. At least I don’t feel so guilty now for not having moved on when most seem to think I really should have by now. On my own?

Of course this article talks about moving on in the context of having someone to move on with & how you tackle that. What may/may not happen in the process. But what kills me is that there is nobody to move on with, there hasn’t been for 10 years & it’s not for lack of trying. Instead it’s years of rejection by men who both did & didn’t know some/all of my past. The two I had the horrible sexual contacts with, they both knew, it made no difference, if anything it was worse because they knew but they ignored it. Is that what all men do?

The disappearing man? Well he knew all about it & I had great trust in him, confidence that even a kiss would be a good experience, a start to moving on. On top of that, well he’s an abuse survivor too, he’s been there & he’s been damaged too. What are the chances of finding someone else who has that much insight in to how it feels to be so damaged? Zero. No chance. So a man I liked, I trusted, found attractive on so many levels combined with genuine insight & understanding. It’s not like I know that he was the perfect man for anything but as a starting point nobody can beat that. It’s instant safety & understanding. Priceless.

Yet he faded away, like the rest. He’s gone. I didn’t live up to his expectations or the more he knew about me the less he wanted even that one kiss. The more I couldn’t believe my luck the faster the luck evaporated. I don’t think any of it was real now. Except maybe my ability to drive men away. And like them all I don’t know why & I never will. Just that I failed again & with someone who was prepared to say that he found me attractive & saw some possibility of some sort of future, even if it was just a couple of weeks. I was so disproportionately positive for the first time in years. Then it’s just gone. There’s nothing. Nothing to hope for. Have you the first idea how much that hurts? I’ve been hurt before but this is a new kind of hurt. Hurt that has stopped me in my tracks. I can’t overcome my past & my small hope of some kind of different future, of changing my perception of me & what might be possible. Well that is completely gone.

Here’s the link, it’s too late for me but maybe it’s not too late for other survivors. I hope you all get to move on, in whatever way is best for you.

http://www.kinkly.com/2/924/lets-talk-about-it/perspectives/sex-after-sexual-assault-how-to-find-joy-after-trauma

Filed under rape survival moving on find the right one hope fear kiss lost failure hope-less future honesty

9 notes

Have a previously unposted picture of me. Certainly not at my skinniest but then I probably notice that & far more forgiving men don’t. 

Twitter is about trying to prove I’m still female & apparently I am, I’ve got quite a few followers though the majority just look, never talk, don’t favourite or retweet pictures. I’d guess they just steal them & add them to their wankbank. That’s the bit I don’t like. I don’t care what you do in response to my pics except when it specifically excludes any indication that I am a human being. 

That’s not a me-specific issue, it’s indicative of most men’s view of women, meat, not people, no thought goes in to their actions. It’s about them, not about the woman. 

Of course if everybody responded I’d be swamped & couldn’t remotely cope. I don’t necessarily want to hear the women as sex objects talk. I probably have nothing in common with most of them & I probably actually don’t want to. Taking the wide-spread assumption that those guys will always be alone, can’t interact with women on any level then you have to feel sorry for them but maybe it’s not so difficult to talk to a woman within Twitter & where I make no judgements. 

Women aren’t aliens, many of us will talk to anyone, I welcome even just a ‘I love your pics/this pic is great’ comments. Get crude or offensive then obviously not & if that’s all you have to say then you have issues. But if women scare you isn’t this an easy way to start to tackle those fears or hangups? 

Try it some time, you might get a bit more out of the pictures if you have even some tenuous ‘relationship’ with that body & it’s a small step forwards for you. Even pressing the favourite button is a start you know. Women are human too, we can be friends on some level, maybe you are taking a small step forwards.

Have a previously unposted picture of me. Certainly not at my skinniest but then I probably notice that & far more forgiving men don’t.

Twitter is about trying to prove I’m still female & apparently I am, I’ve got quite a few followers though the majority just look, never talk, don’t favourite or retweet pictures. I’d guess they just steal them & add them to their wankbank. That’s the bit I don’t like. I don’t care what you do in response to my pics except when it specifically excludes any indication that I am a human being.

That’s not a me-specific issue, it’s indicative of most men’s view of women, meat, not people, no thought goes in to their actions. It’s about them, not about the woman.

Of course if everybody responded I’d be swamped & couldn’t remotely cope. I don’t necessarily want to hear the women as sex objects talk. I probably have nothing in common with most of them & I probably actually don’t want to. Taking the wide-spread assumption that those guys will always be alone, can’t interact with women on any level then you have to feel sorry for them but maybe it’s not so difficult to talk to a woman within Twitter & where I make no judgements.

Women aren’t aliens, many of us will talk to anyone, I welcome even just a ‘I love your pics/this pic is great’ comments. Get crude or offensive then obviously not & if that’s all you have to say then you have issues. But if women scare you isn’t this an easy way to start to tackle those fears or hangups?

Try it some time, you might get a bit more out of the pictures if you have even some tenuous ‘relationship’ with that body & it’s a small step forwards for you. Even pressing the favourite button is a start you know. Women are human too, we can be friends on some level, maybe you are taking a small step forwards.

Filed under selfpic selfshot human relationship manners kindness get talking

3 notes

So I still have NO idea….

….how I reply to comments made on my pictures….I see people can do it, I see them comment on other pics but despite being told how to I can’t. Don’t seem to have the right ‘buttons’ to make it work. And that makes me look so damn rude!

Somebody tell me how the hell I reply to you when you’ve left comments/questions PLEASE! On the app or the website….

HELP!!