THE MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

A very ordinary woman

6 notes

Everything must end.

I was coasting along on Twitter for a while, had the support of a bunch of the bigger names & in the background, as always, a group of guys hitting on me. 

One guy fell in to both camps. I was so fond of him & definitely attached, even though we both knew it had nowhere to go but anyway, he was always there for me & I hope I was there for him. But he’s gone & even though I have several ways of contacting him he’s not responding to any of them. I know enough about him to be genuinely concerned but worrying is killing me & getting me nowhere. So that’s his choice or something worse that I don’t want to think about. I miss you Steve, I really really hope you’re ok & that Maggie is too (NOT a girlfriend/wife). 

Everyone drifts in & out of Twitter, and here, and I guess at some point we all drift away back in to the real world. Twitter is my escape, here is where I can talk through some of what makes me tick. Which would exclude sex, forever apparently. So why is it of the group of guys, I call them promoters, some I’ve known nearly 2 years, the rest just a few months but was still close to them, have suddenly vanished en masse? I’ve been abandoned enough times that I should be used to it but never so many so suddenly. So it really hurts. I know it’s not just me they’re leaving but it feels that way today. 

I know I could withstand that better if I hadn’t looked at who I was following only to find a few long-term friends, male & female, but one guy in particular, had disappeared too. Then one woman I’ve ‘known’ a long time, she’s leaving too & I just found out another, I thought was a friend, who had suddenly disappeared a year ago, has actually been back a while but her account is locked. I only know because someone (who’s at least still there) told me. Her choice of course. 

I’m sure others have gone but they weren’t so key to me or they drifted away one by one, not en masse. One of the things that made that easier was there were always men, real people I was close to. But then read my Tumblr & you’ll know how all of those ended. All of them. People walk away from me, nobody ever wanted to stay. At least I felt good, or like a woman, for a while. The men I liked though, well they never liked me or they were just playing with me. Gut-wrenching to see how many of those players, there just to play, have since fallen in to serious relationships with women they met on Twitter. That even happens on my grown up, sensible, political Twitter account too. But never to me. I know they have because they come & tell me they have. I was too far away but a women 3,500 miles away isn’t apparently. Thanks for that. 

And the killer blow, apart from losing Steve, and Steve, and Greg, and Patrick and Martin and….well that was having the guy I’d liked, admired, who made me laugh, who wasn’t there to play games, my really long term friend, just disappear on me too. I’d filed him under genuine, honest & decent. And gorgeous. Way ahead of any man I’d ever met there, or here. Special. Guess what? He fooled me too. He was just…..I don’t know what. Not what he seemed obviously. I don’t know if I’m entirely to blame (he got to know me, he ran when he did) or if it was just a game to him too. Whatever he couldn’t give a damn either & I wasn’t worth 5 minutes in 2 months. I guess I’m unreasonable to expect that. I wouldn’t know because in common with every man who threw me away there was no explanation, couldn’t be bothered to do that much could you T? 

And that’s how I know I will always be alone. That’s why I’ve given up on men. It’s why I’m giving up on life. The final nail in the coffin of my dreams. I’m selling my home (once I’ve saved some money), leaving the place I love & moving back south to be the only thing that’s left to me, an aunt & a responsible daughter. My parents will die & my niece will grow up & then I’m really forever alone. Though actually I’ve been forever alone since my ex started abusing & then raping me over 10 years ago. 

I was have just been in deluded denial since then. And determined to not let him win. Well it’s ok Gavin, you won, but then you’ve known that forever haven’t you? 

I’m just slow at catching on.

Everything must end.

I was coasting along on Twitter for a while, had the support of a bunch of the bigger names & in the background, as always, a group of guys hitting on me.

One guy fell in to both camps. I was so fond of him & definitely attached, even though we both knew it had nowhere to go but anyway, he was always there for me & I hope I was there for him. But he’s gone & even though I have several ways of contacting him he’s not responding to any of them. I know enough about him to be genuinely concerned but worrying is killing me & getting me nowhere. So that’s his choice or something worse that I don’t want to think about. I miss you Steve, I really really hope you’re ok & that Maggie is too (NOT a girlfriend/wife).

Everyone drifts in & out of Twitter, and here, and I guess at some point we all drift away back in to the real world. Twitter is my escape, here is where I can talk through some of what makes me tick. Which would exclude sex, forever apparently. So why is it of the group of guys, I call them promoters, some I’ve known nearly 2 years, the rest just a few months but was still close to them, have suddenly vanished en masse? I’ve been abandoned enough times that I should be used to it but never so many so suddenly. So it really hurts. I know it’s not just me they’re leaving but it feels that way today.

I know I could withstand that better if I hadn’t looked at who I was following only to find a few long-term friends, male & female, but one guy in particular, had disappeared too. Then one woman I’ve ‘known’ a long time, she’s leaving too & I just found out another, I thought was a friend, who had suddenly disappeared a year ago, has actually been back a while but her account is locked. I only know because someone (who’s at least still there) told me. Her choice of course.

I’m sure others have gone but they weren’t so key to me or they drifted away one by one, not en masse. One of the things that made that easier was there were always men, real people I was close to. But then read my Tumblr & you’ll know how all of those ended. All of them. People walk away from me, nobody ever wanted to stay. At least I felt good, or like a woman, for a while. The men I liked though, well they never liked me or they were just playing with me. Gut-wrenching to see how many of those players, there just to play, have since fallen in to serious relationships with women they met on Twitter. That even happens on my grown up, sensible, political Twitter account too. But never to me. I know they have because they come & tell me they have. I was too far away but a women 3,500 miles away isn’t apparently. Thanks for that.

And the killer blow, apart from losing Steve, and Steve, and Greg, and Patrick and Martin and….well that was having the guy I’d liked, admired, who made me laugh, who wasn’t there to play games, my really long term friend, just disappear on me too. I’d filed him under genuine, honest & decent. And gorgeous. Way ahead of any man I’d ever met there, or here. Special. Guess what? He fooled me too. He was just…..I don’t know what. Not what he seemed obviously. I don’t know if I’m entirely to blame (he got to know me, he ran when he did) or if it was just a game to him too. Whatever he couldn’t give a damn either & I wasn’t worth 5 minutes in 2 months. I guess I’m unreasonable to expect that. I wouldn’t know because in common with every man who threw me away there was no explanation, couldn’t be bothered to do that much could you T?

And that’s how I know I will always be alone. That’s why I’ve given up on men. It’s why I’m giving up on life. The final nail in the coffin of my dreams. I’m selling my home (once I’ve saved some money), leaving the place I love & moving back south to be the only thing that’s left to me, an aunt & a responsible daughter. My parents will die & my niece will grow up & then I’m really forever alone. Though actually I’ve been forever alone since my ex started abusing & then raping me over 10 years ago.

I was have just been in deluded denial since then. And determined to not let him win. Well it’s ok Gavin, you won, but then you’ve known that forever haven’t you?

I’m just slow at catching on.

1 note

Still learning 10 years later…

….and because I haven’t been (probably never will be) able to move on. Who would want to take a woman like me on anyway?

Done the counselling, can’t bear to dwell on the 2 awful attempts to move on, but I found this today. It says a lot I never have but it also makes me realise that it’s unlikely I’ll find someone prepared to work with me. At least I don’t feel so guilty now for not having moved on when most seem to think I really should have by now. On my own?

Of course this article talks about moving on in the context of having someone to move on with & how you tackle that. What may/may not happen in the process. But what kills me is that there is nobody to move on with, there hasn’t been for 10 years & it’s not for lack of trying. Instead it’s years of rejection by men who both did & didn’t know some/all of my past. The two I had the horrible sexual contacts with, they both knew, it made no difference, if anything it was worse because they knew but they ignored it. Is that what all men do?

The disappearing man? Well he knew all about it & I had great trust in him, confidence that even a kiss would be a good experience, a start to moving on. On top of that, well he’s an abuse survivor too, he’s been there & he’s been damaged too. What are the chances of finding someone else who has that much insight in to how it feels to be so damaged? Zero. No chance. So a man I liked, I trusted, found attractive on so many levels combined with genuine insight & understanding. It’s not like I know that he was the perfect man for anything but as a starting point nobody can beat that. It’s instant safety & understanding. Priceless.

Yet he faded away, like the rest. He’s gone. I didn’t live up to his expectations or the more he knew about me the less he wanted even that one kiss. The more I couldn’t believe my luck the faster the luck evaporated. I don’t think any of it was real now. Except maybe my ability to drive men away. And like them all I don’t know why & I never will. Just that I failed again & with someone who was prepared to say that he found me attractive & saw some possibility of some sort of future, even if it was just a couple of weeks. I was so disproportionately positive for the first time in years. Then it’s just gone. There’s nothing. Nothing to hope for. Have you the first idea how much that hurts? I’ve been hurt before but this is a new kind of hurt. Hurt that has stopped me in my tracks. I can’t overcome my past & my small hope of some kind of different future, of changing my perception of me & what might be possible. Well that is completely gone.

Here’s the link, it’s too late for me but maybe it’s not too late for other survivors. I hope you all get to move on, in whatever way is best for you.

http://www.kinkly.com/2/924/lets-talk-about-it/perspectives/sex-after-sexual-assault-how-to-find-joy-after-trauma

Filed under rape survival moving on find the right one hope fear kiss lost failure hope-less future honesty

7 notes

Have a previously unposted picture of me. Certainly not at my skinniest but then I probably notice that & far more forgiving men don’t. 

Twitter is about trying to prove I’m still female & apparently I am, I’ve got quite a few followers though the majority just look, never talk, don’t favourite or retweet pictures. I’d guess they just steal them & add them to their wankbank. That’s the bit I don’t like. I don’t care what you do in response to my pics except when it specifically excludes any indication that I am a human being. 

That’s not a me-specific issue, it’s indicative of most men’s view of women, meat, not people, no thought goes in to their actions. It’s about them, not about the woman. 

Of course if everybody responded I’d be swamped & couldn’t remotely cope. I don’t necessarily want to hear the women as sex objects talk. I probably have nothing in common with most of them & I probably actually don’t want to. Taking the wide-spread assumption that those guys will always be alone, can’t interact with women on any level then you have to feel sorry for them but maybe it’s not so difficult to talk to a woman within Twitter & where I make no judgements. 

Women aren’t aliens, many of us will talk to anyone, I welcome even just a ‘I love your pics/this pic is great’ comments. Get crude or offensive then obviously not & if that’s all you have to say then you have issues. But if women scare you isn’t this an easy way to start to tackle those fears or hangups? 

Try it some time, you might get a bit more out of the pictures if you have even some tenuous ‘relationship’ with that body & it’s a small step forwards for you. Even pressing the favourite button is a start you know. Women are human too, we can be friends on some level, maybe you are taking a small step forwards.

Have a previously unposted picture of me. Certainly not at my skinniest but then I probably notice that & far more forgiving men don’t.

Twitter is about trying to prove I’m still female & apparently I am, I’ve got quite a few followers though the majority just look, never talk, don’t favourite or retweet pictures. I’d guess they just steal them & add them to their wankbank. That’s the bit I don’t like. I don’t care what you do in response to my pics except when it specifically excludes any indication that I am a human being.

That’s not a me-specific issue, it’s indicative of most men’s view of women, meat, not people, no thought goes in to their actions. It’s about them, not about the woman.

Of course if everybody responded I’d be swamped & couldn’t remotely cope. I don’t necessarily want to hear the women as sex objects talk. I probably have nothing in common with most of them & I probably actually don’t want to. Taking the wide-spread assumption that those guys will always be alone, can’t interact with women on any level then you have to feel sorry for them but maybe it’s not so difficult to talk to a woman within Twitter & where I make no judgements.

Women aren’t aliens, many of us will talk to anyone, I welcome even just a ‘I love your pics/this pic is great’ comments. Get crude or offensive then obviously not & if that’s all you have to say then you have issues. But if women scare you isn’t this an easy way to start to tackle those fears or hangups?

Try it some time, you might get a bit more out of the pictures if you have even some tenuous ‘relationship’ with that body & it’s a small step forwards for you. Even pressing the favourite button is a start you know. Women are human too, we can be friends on some level, maybe you are taking a small step forwards.

Filed under selfpic selfshot human relationship manners kindness get talking

3 notes

So I still have NO idea….

….how I reply to comments made on my pictures….I see people can do it, I see them comment on other pics but despite being told how to I can’t. Don’t seem to have the right ‘buttons’ to make it work. And that makes me look so damn rude!

Somebody tell me how the hell I reply to you when you’ve left comments/questions PLEASE! On the app or the website….

HELP!!

0 notes

Anonymous asked: Nude preteen nudist potos

Paedophile are you? Sure give me the link & tell me where I can find them & you. Then I’ll pass you on to the police & that wouldn’t be the first time. Or the last.

1,508 notes

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here



 Working on the principle that the last man who chose to distance himself from me was a rational, mature & intelligent adult then I know I have to accept that I was the one to blame. And I’d known him a while so I had time to come to the conclusion about the sort of person he was. This man also knew all about my past & shared a lot of my experiences. So he probably understood me better than most. Yet he still backed away & left me agonising over his opinion of my appearance (& age) & hating myself, twice. But still something overrode any manners or insight he had. I know what that something was, it was me, I am the cause, the problem, the one that failed.



You think you’re finally talking to someone you can trust & just be yourself with, a friend, so, if you’re me, that’s what you do. Then like every other man I’ve encountered he switched off, became silent. They all do. None of them tell me why. I’m not worth that much, something is so wrong I don’t ever get any explanation or even a goodbye. They’re just gone.



My ex never told me what I’d done wrong either (well one thing but he did accept that was a mistake & someone else’s, not mine & carried on abusing me). He just suddenly changed. I guess he was able to not see me as human either which is how he could do what he did. I tried to get him to talk to me, I tried to get all the others to talk too, none of them did. Unlike him & mostly because the majority never got physically close enough to do it, none of them physically hurt me. Two of them did manage to make my sort-of-sexual encounters with them frightening, unpleasant & just as soul-destroying as he did, it was about them, as it was with him, and it absolutely wasn’t about me. 



I know he felt no guilt. I’m pretty certain none of the others did either. Like him they passed through my life, making promises/giving me some cause to believe I could be a little optimistic about where it might go. My expectations were far lower with the men in the last few years but I still believed they were offering me something when it turns out they weren’t. One thing they all had in common is that they lied to me. One response I had to all of them was to believe they were genuine & meant what they said, not what I imagined they said, what they actually said. With my ex I obviously believed long term, with the rest I believed that something, different with each, was on the cards. To a man they failed to deliver anything except disappointment & disillusionment.



The only thing all these men had in common was me. I am what’s wrong. Every time. I do something/everything wrong & it’s enough to allow every one of them to forget me & keep walking. No exceptions. 



I am deeply flawed. I can drive any man away. I can drive any man to forget any impact it might have on me because something is so wrong that they can justify doing it. They have to get away fast. They are gone & I am forgotten. I made my ex do what he did & the proof of that is that I continue to have the exact same effect on any/every man who comes in to contact with me. They think they want me, they get to know me, it’s a horrible experience for them & they are gone. If even a smart guy with a ton going for him & a similar past has no qualms about blanking me, can’t find time to pretend my age & appearance haven’t repelled him, is content to move away from me, nothing to say, well then I don’t stand a chance with anyone do I? So why keep trying? It just hurts more every time.



As none of them will tell me what I do wrong then I can’t change can I? Well I can, if I play the bitch & never be myself, the only option left. No optimism, no honesty, no openness, no letting my guard down, no trust, no affection. And no dreams of a future. I don’t have one, I get that now.



My ex did what he did because I am whatever it is I am & every man since just confirmed he was right. So thanks latest ‘man’ I guess I did learn from you just not what I was hoping. I’m damaged but above all I’m damaging to others. Something is horribly wrong with me, so I get the life I deserve, not the life I want.



Steer clear, I’m poison.

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

Working on the principle that the last man who chose to distance himself from me was a rational, mature & intelligent adult then I know I have to accept that I was the one to blame. And I’d known him a while so I had time to come to the conclusion about the sort of person he was. This man also knew all about my past & shared a lot of my experiences. So he probably understood me better than most. Yet he still backed away & left me agonising over his opinion of my appearance (& age) & hating myself, twice. But still something overrode any manners or insight he had. I know what that something was, it was me, I am the cause, the problem, the one that failed. You think you’re finally talking to someone you can trust & just be yourself with, a friend, so, if you’re me, that’s what you do. Then like every other man I’ve encountered he switched off, became silent. They all do. None of them tell me why. I’m not worth that much, something is so wrong I don’t ever get any explanation or even a goodbye. They’re just gone. My ex never told me what I’d done wrong either (well one thing but he did accept that was a mistake & someone else’s, not mine & carried on abusing me). He just suddenly changed. I guess he was able to not see me as human either which is how he could do what he did. I tried to get him to talk to me, I tried to get all the others to talk too, none of them did. Unlike him & mostly because the majority never got physically close enough to do it, none of them physically hurt me. Two of them did manage to make my sort-of-sexual encounters with them frightening, unpleasant & just as soul-destroying as he did, it was about them, as it was with him, and it absolutely wasn’t about me. I know he felt no guilt. I’m pretty certain none of the others did either. Like him they passed through my life, making promises/giving me some cause to believe I could be a little optimistic about where it might go. My expectations were far lower with the men in the last few years but I still believed they were offering me something when it turns out they weren’t. One thing they all had in common is that they lied to me. One response I had to all of them was to believe they were genuine & meant what they said, not what I imagined they said, what they actually said. With my ex I obviously believed long term, with the rest I believed that something, different with each, was on the cards. To a man they failed to deliver anything except disappointment & disillusionment. The only thing all these men had in common was me. I am what’s wrong. Every time. I do something/everything wrong & it’s enough to allow every one of them to forget me & keep walking. No exceptions. I am deeply flawed. I can drive any man away. I can drive any man to forget any impact it might have on me because something is so wrong that they can justify doing it. They have to get away fast. They are gone & I am forgotten. I made my ex do what he did & the proof of that is that I continue to have the exact same effect on any/every man who comes in to contact with me. They think they want me, they get to know me, it’s a horrible experience for them & they are gone. If even a smart guy with a ton going for him & a similar past has no qualms about blanking me, can’t find time to pretend my age & appearance haven’t repelled him, is content to move away from me, nothing to say, well then I don’t stand a chance with anyone do I? So why keep trying? It just hurts more every time. As none of them will tell me what I do wrong then I can’t change can I? Well I can, if I play the bitch & never be myself, the only option left. No optimism, no honesty, no openness, no letting my guard down, no trust, no affection. And no dreams of a future. I don’t have one, I get that now. My ex did what he did because I am whatever it is I am & every man since just confirmed he was right. So thanks latest ‘man’ I guess I did learn from you just not what I was hoping. I’m damaged but above all I’m damaging to others. Something is horribly wrong with me, so I get the life I deserve, not the life I want. Steer clear, I’m poison.

14 notes

My ass….

My best feature, apparently. Unbitten, barely grabbed…..and not looking quite like that atm but I’m working on that!

My ass….

My best feature, apparently. Unbitten, barely grabbed…..and not looking quite like that atm but I’m working on that!

5 notes

Dear Tumblr

I am sick to death of writing posts & when I post them they just disappear…..today I forgot to copy the text before posting. And the post disappeared……wasted an hour of my life & as this has happened about 10 times this week I’m really not that fucking happy right now. So no, the app isn’t easier but if I use the website then they get posted but they don’t get posted in to my Twitter account, no matter how many times I re-link the two accounts.

Should I go elsewhere to do this because I’m really sick of this!

2 notes

Someone asked me if I had found ‘the thing’ I was looking for…

No, I’ve not even got close. Had what I thought was my best ever offer, just a kiss (never a good thing to offer me, I’m driven by an overwhelming need to be kissed) but from a man I’d known a really long time (by Twitter standards) & always liked. Then I fucked it up, as I always do, pretty much by being myself & because I truly believed this particular man, more than any other, who was a friend to me, but now I realise, yet again, I meant nothing to him. Not even a friend. 

I absolutely hate myself for that but it’s the usual issue, guys say things lightheartedly & don’t really mean it yet I’m naive enough to take it as the truth & assume there’s something genuine behind it. And I’m stupid to do so. At least this time I learnt what the problem is, apart from inflicting my face & age on them, it’s the being honest & saying what I’m thinking/feeling. That means just being myself really isn’t a good idea.

I should have worked it out far faster (just realising this is another fault of mine). If someone takes weeks to reply to an email, even when it’s an email they had asked for, with the pictures that they wanted in it & I know they’ve received it because they’d said so (via Twitter)……well then clearly I don’t rank anywhere, I’m nothing to them. Even basic manners don’t suggest that a reply, 5 minutes of their time is worth taking for me. Didn’t get a reply, knew he was repelled by what he saw, so when I couldn’t bear it any longer (am I that ugly? Well, yes, obviously) I emailed again to ask why. And this is from someone who said he suffered from (& yes, I believed that too) the same paralysing self-doubt & damage that I do. So he had the insight to know that that was really important to me & how it’d make me feel & yet that made zero difference when it came to responding. That’s a full on red light & screaming alarm bells to any sensible person isn’t it? But no, not to me, I’m that dumb.

I should have quit at that point but the need to be kissed & the chance for it to be by someone I thought I knew pretty well, thought really interesting & definitely trusted (& found very attractive) made me go back & try to forget that. Two more emails, answering questions he’d asked & after that 2 months again with no reply; I was beating myself up, I must have said something terribly wrong…..then I got the message. It was just a game & I’d gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick, again. So that’s something to learn & remember too. I believe people mean what they say (I’m far too trusting) when the actions, or lack of, are speaking far louder than words. I want to be right when everything is telling me I’m wrong but I choose to not see it. 

That’s all very fresh, and topped off with some other bad news this week, it’s stopped me in my tracks. I’m incapable of spotting when I’m driving people away (by being too honest) or, more importantly, when I’m totally missing bloody obvious signals.

Totally unrealistic to think that a guy with as much going for him as he had would have any real interest in a very ordinary woman like me - I really should have spotted that from the off. 

Should have realised that what men say & what they mean are two different things. Or that I don’t understand what’s between the lines when I really should. It’s not like I haven’t been there before is it?

Should realise that when emails aren’t answered it’s because they don’t want to, aren’t interested, don’t care, they have nothing to say & have far better things to do. For weeks or months. How stupid am I? It took me 2 months to accept I wasn’t going to hear from him. After all I’d even sent him some more pictures. When did I disengage my brain? 

I should be aware enough to know that, just because it’s someone I really like it doesn’t mean that how happy & optimistic I’m feeling, is in any way reciprocated. And this is for just a kiss. Because that’s how much that simple thing means to me. That’s how fucking sad I am.

Should realise there’s nothing more stupid than being honest & open, I forever get that wrong. Honesty & openness are never the best policies. The only way I can remember to not do that again is to just not get involved, with any man, on anything other than the most superficial level. That’s all they really want but I always, always think it’s more. I put the work in for guys who spare me a few minutes every now & then. Or in this case not even that.

Should realise that no answer in 2 months is a great big fuck off  that I’m just choosing not to hear. And if I give in & remind them (that I’d emailed them) & they say they’re going to read it but then I still hear nothing, well I’ve been being incredibly stupid for weeks & just embarrassed myself even further. I wish the ground would swallow me up, I’m so bloody thick - the facts were staring me in the face.

Should realise that the strategy of taking time to get to know people (which isn’t quite how it happened in this case) makes me no better informed about their honesty or integrity. And that time doesn’t mean you can trust someone. The only way you can trust is through action, words mean nothing. 

That even friendship, and I thought we actually were friends, genuinely, doesn’t mean anything either. It’s as disposable as I am. 

Should have realised that he was only interested because I unintentionally appeared disinterested. I got a few emails, with pictures & updates on his life but didn’t always reply, I was too busy. I looked at the pics & thought he’s gorgeous but knew full well he was probably sending the same stuff to lots of women. And really, why would a man like that be interested in a someone as ordinary as me. He came & went from my life & my mind, he disappeared regularly without explanation & sometimes wandered off mid-conversation. I didn’t deliberately do the same & I never left a conversation unfinished. But it seems nothing is more interesting to a man than disinterest, even if it’s accidental. Bitches do better but that’s not me so I don’t stand a chance. 

That this is the guy who, when he was briefly responding to my emails, said I should give two guys who’d really hurt me a second chance. How fucking moronic am I? Not only did I do that, ignore my gut & then get smashed to pieces by both of them, again, but I let him steer me that way & didn’t see that was another great big ‘I’m SO not interested’ signal. All that extra hurt just because I thought I should do what he suggested. I tried hard to make something out of two men who had already demonstrated very clearly how little they valued or respected me. And he pushed me towards them. Because I am nothing. That was 4 months ago & I wasn’t thrilled by it but decided it was the advice of a reliable friend. Maybe a man’s intuition about other men is better than mine? It hurt me, I was pretty sure he was wrong but he said do it, so I did. Are there words to describe how blind I chose to be?

But above all else, by being discarded by a man I really liked, trusted & had known a long time, a friend, I now know there isn’t anyone who won’t hurt me given the chance. I hand them the chance on a plate so why am I still surprised when I’m they go ahead & do it? And then walk away. 

So finding what I’m looking for? Only inasmuch as I now know I never will. I have nothing that men want, well except a body for a quick fuck. Paper bag job though. I’m old, ordinary, ugly & damaged. So I’ve been fooling myself, ignoring crystal clear signals because in my brain I’m still the woman who was always chased & wanted her whole life yet chose to stay with a man who then went on purposefully destroy me. Since then nobody in their right mind has wanted me, so anyone who says they do? They’re lying. Sheer weight of numbers. 100% of them have used me & walked away. I moulded myself to be what I thought they wanted, didn’t run when they made me uncomfortable & stuck with honesty & being myself.

Being myself is a reason to reject me, it’s clearly not something that appeals to men. Honesty is not attractive either. Age is not irrelevant or people wouldn’t keep saying ‘age is irrelevant’ when they find out would they? I finally thought that I had a chance of something, maybe a kiss, maybe more, with a real man I’d always liked & who I absolutely trusted. I’m now not sure what it was he actually wanted. I’m not talking love & marriage, I mean meet, kiss & go our separate ways or in all likelihood ditch my no one-night rule & sleep with a man I was attracted to, who I trusted & very much liked. I think he wanted some entertainment. I hope he enjoyed it. I’m so disappointed in myself. 

But yet again I was just a game, the real me was incredibly unappealing, I did something wrong, I was too pleased, too demanding, I emailed too many times, I talked too much, I was old, ugly, over optimistic - I don’t know  because they never tell me. They just go. And if this guy who knew me well & understood my background suddenly doesn’t want me, even for a kiss…..well what’s the point really?

10 years since the last rape(s) this April 5th. What would have been my 25th wedding anniversary (only just remembered that) in July. I think that’s enough years of false hope, humiliation & being let down, more than enough proof it’s never going to happen. 

Being me is what’s so unattractive, being true to myself is a turn off, honesty is never the best policy, not playing games is a sin, being damaged is unforgivable. 

And that’s game over for me, I’ve just been stupidly slow to accept that. I get it now. I’m done. I’ve been alone for 10 years & all I’ve experienced is rejection. I hate alone but no other option is available. Game over, here comes old age. If I live that long. 

That’s what I’ve achieved in all this time. Coming to my senses, I’ve been wilfully blind & irrationally optimistic. I’m worthless & stupidly optimistic. So I’m done. 

And I hurt so much now I’m having to face that reality. But thanks for the lesson. This time I won’t forget what I was made to learn by someone I trusted. So no more trust. Ever.

Someone asked me if I had found ‘the thing’ I was looking for…

No, I’ve not even got close. Had what I thought was my best ever offer, just a kiss (never a good thing to offer me, I’m driven by an overwhelming need to be kissed) but from a man I’d known a really long time (by Twitter standards) & always liked. Then I fucked it up, as I always do, pretty much by being myself & because I truly believed this particular man, more than any other, who was a friend to me, but now I realise, yet again, I meant nothing to him. Not even a friend.

I absolutely hate myself for that but it’s the usual issue, guys say things lightheartedly & don’t really mean it yet I’m naive enough to take it as the truth & assume there’s something genuine behind it. And I’m stupid to do so. At least this time I learnt what the problem is, apart from inflicting my face & age on them, it’s the being honest & saying what I’m thinking/feeling. That means just being myself really isn’t a good idea.

I should have worked it out far faster (just realising this is another fault of mine). If someone takes weeks to reply to an email, even when it’s an email they had asked for, with the pictures that they wanted in it & I know they’ve received it because they’d said so (via Twitter)……well then clearly I don’t rank anywhere, I’m nothing to them. Even basic manners don’t suggest that a reply, 5 minutes of their time is worth taking for me. Didn’t get a reply, knew he was repelled by what he saw, so when I couldn’t bear it any longer (am I that ugly? Well, yes, obviously) I emailed again to ask why. And this is from someone who said he suffered from (& yes, I believed that too) the same paralysing self-doubt & damage that I do. So he had the insight to know that that was really important to me & how it’d make me feel & yet that made zero difference when it came to responding. That’s a full on red light & screaming alarm bells to any sensible person isn’t it? But no, not to me, I’m that dumb.

I should have quit at that point but the need to be kissed & the chance for it to be by someone I thought I knew pretty well, thought really interesting & definitely trusted (& found very attractive) made me go back & try to forget that. Two more emails, answering questions he’d asked & after that 2 months again with no reply; I was beating myself up, I must have said something terribly wrong…..then I got the message. It was just a game & I’d gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick, again. So that’s something to learn & remember too. I believe people mean what they say (I’m far too trusting) when the actions, or lack of, are speaking far louder than words. I want to be right when everything is telling me I’m wrong but I choose to not see it.

That’s all very fresh, and topped off with some other bad news this week, it’s stopped me in my tracks. I’m incapable of spotting when I’m driving people away (by being too honest) or, more importantly, when I’m totally missing bloody obvious signals.

Totally unrealistic to think that a guy with as much going for him as he had would have any real interest in a very ordinary woman like me - I really should have spotted that from the off.

Should have realised that what men say & what they mean are two different things. Or that I don’t understand what’s between the lines when I really should. It’s not like I haven’t been there before is it?

Should realise that when emails aren’t answered it’s because they don’t want to, aren’t interested, don’t care, they have nothing to say & have far better things to do. For weeks or months. How stupid am I? It took me 2 months to accept I wasn’t going to hear from him. After all I’d even sent him some more pictures. When did I disengage my brain?

I should be aware enough to know that, just because it’s someone I really like it doesn’t mean that how happy & optimistic I’m feeling, is in any way reciprocated. And this is for just a kiss. Because that’s how much that simple thing means to me. That’s how fucking sad I am.

Should realise there’s nothing more stupid than being honest & open, I forever get that wrong. Honesty & openness are never the best policies. The only way I can remember to not do that again is to just not get involved, with any man, on anything other than the most superficial level. That’s all they really want but I always, always think it’s more. I put the work in for guys who spare me a few minutes every now & then. Or in this case not even that.

Should realise that no answer in 2 months is a great big fuck off that I’m just choosing not to hear. And if I give in & remind them (that I’d emailed them) & they say they’re going to read it but then I still hear nothing, well I’ve been being incredibly stupid for weeks & just embarrassed myself even further. I wish the ground would swallow me up, I’m so bloody thick - the facts were staring me in the face.

Should realise that the strategy of taking time to get to know people (which isn’t quite how it happened in this case) makes me no better informed about their honesty or integrity. And that time doesn’t mean you can trust someone. The only way you can trust is through action, words mean nothing.

That even friendship, and I thought we actually were friends, genuinely, doesn’t mean anything either. It’s as disposable as I am.

Should have realised that he was only interested because I unintentionally appeared disinterested. I got a few emails, with pictures & updates on his life but didn’t always reply, I was too busy. I looked at the pics & thought he’s gorgeous but knew full well he was probably sending the same stuff to lots of women. And really, why would a man like that be interested in a someone as ordinary as me. He came & went from my life & my mind, he disappeared regularly without explanation & sometimes wandered off mid-conversation. I didn’t deliberately do the same & I never left a conversation unfinished. But it seems nothing is more interesting to a man than disinterest, even if it’s accidental. Bitches do better but that’s not me so I don’t stand a chance.

That this is the guy who, when he was briefly responding to my emails, said I should give two guys who’d really hurt me a second chance. How fucking moronic am I? Not only did I do that, ignore my gut & then get smashed to pieces by both of them, again, but I let him steer me that way & didn’t see that was another great big ‘I’m SO not interested’ signal. All that extra hurt just because I thought I should do what he suggested. I tried hard to make something out of two men who had already demonstrated very clearly how little they valued or respected me. And he pushed me towards them. Because I am nothing. That was 4 months ago & I wasn’t thrilled by it but decided it was the advice of a reliable friend. Maybe a man’s intuition about other men is better than mine? It hurt me, I was pretty sure he was wrong but he said do it, so I did. Are there words to describe how blind I chose to be?

But above all else, by being discarded by a man I really liked, trusted & had known a long time, a friend, I now know there isn’t anyone who won’t hurt me given the chance. I hand them the chance on a plate so why am I still surprised when I’m they go ahead & do it? And then walk away.

So finding what I’m looking for? Only inasmuch as I now know I never will. I have nothing that men want, well except a body for a quick fuck. Paper bag job though. I’m old, ordinary, ugly & damaged. So I’ve been fooling myself, ignoring crystal clear signals because in my brain I’m still the woman who was always chased & wanted her whole life yet chose to stay with a man who then went on purposefully destroy me. Since then nobody in their right mind has wanted me, so anyone who says they do? They’re lying. Sheer weight of numbers. 100% of them have used me & walked away. I moulded myself to be what I thought they wanted, didn’t run when they made me uncomfortable & stuck with honesty & being myself.

Being myself is a reason to reject me, it’s clearly not something that appeals to men. Honesty is not attractive either. Age is not irrelevant or people wouldn’t keep saying ‘age is irrelevant’ when they find out would they? I finally thought that I had a chance of something, maybe a kiss, maybe more, with a real man I’d always liked & who I absolutely trusted. I’m now not sure what it was he actually wanted. I’m not talking love & marriage, I mean meet, kiss & go our separate ways or in all likelihood ditch my no one-night rule & sleep with a man I was attracted to, who I trusted & very much liked. I think he wanted some entertainment. I hope he enjoyed it. I’m so disappointed in myself.

But yet again I was just a game, the real me was incredibly unappealing, I did something wrong, I was too pleased, too demanding, I emailed too many times, I talked too much, I was old, ugly, over optimistic - I don’t know because they never tell me. They just go. And if this guy who knew me well & understood my background suddenly doesn’t want me, even for a kiss…..well what’s the point really?

10 years since the last rape(s) this April 5th. What would have been my 25th wedding anniversary (only just remembered that) in July. I think that’s enough years of false hope, humiliation & being let down, more than enough proof it’s never going to happen.

Being me is what’s so unattractive, being true to myself is a turn off, honesty is never the best policy, not playing games is a sin, being damaged is unforgivable.

And that’s game over for me, I’ve just been stupidly slow to accept that. I get it now. I’m done. I’ve been alone for 10 years & all I’ve experienced is rejection. I hate alone but no other option is available. Game over, here comes old age. If I live that long.

That’s what I’ve achieved in all this time. Coming to my senses, I’ve been wilfully blind & irrationally optimistic. I’m worthless & stupidly optimistic. So I’m done.

And I hurt so much now I’m having to face that reality. But thanks for the lesson. This time I won’t forget what I was made to learn by someone I trusted. So no more trust. Ever.

229,720 notes

How good does that look? I’d almost kill to be there. Apparently even that simple thing was too much to ask for in this life. If you’ve got it then VALUE it! You won’t know what you had until it’s gone. That stuff is priceless & can’t be bought. Lucky you.

How good does that look?

I’d almost kill to be there.

Apparently even that simple thing was too much to ask for in this life.

If you’ve got it then VALUE it! You won’t know what you had until it’s gone. That stuff is priceless & can’t be bought. Lucky you.

(Source: mundosemleis, via babygirlinbabylon)

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I have never subscribed to the ‘game’ theory of men & women & relationships. I haven’t read any ‘How to catch a man’ books. I don’t play it mean to keep them keen. I don’t lie, it’s complicated. I don’t plan to ‘catch’ a man. I don’t hit the Internet & Google them, head to Facebook or Linkedin to understand my prey better. I don’t play one man off against another. I don’t judge on appearances, I assess the content of their character. I don’t send out dirty pics to anyone who asks for them. I never cheat albeit I had plenty of chances. I never withheld compliments or kindness to gain control. I never played mind games with anyone. 

And that’s how I got to where I am today. Alone. So obviously I got it wrong. If I were able to start over I’d do everything differently so others’s hearts got broken, other’s confidence got smashed & they were abandoned. And I was the one who walked away unscathed.

Play the game people because if you don’t then you’ll end up a loser like me.

I have never subscribed to the ‘game’ theory of men & women & relationships. I haven’t read any ‘How to catch a man’ books. I don’t play it mean to keep them keen. I don’t lie, it’s complicated. I don’t plan to ‘catch’ a man. I don’t hit the Internet & Google them, head to Facebook or Linkedin to understand my prey better. I don’t play one man off against another. I don’t judge on appearances, I assess the content of their character. I don’t send out dirty pics to anyone who asks for them. I never cheat albeit I had plenty of chances. I never withheld compliments or kindness to gain control. I never played mind games with anyone.

And that’s how I got to where I am today. Alone. So obviously I got it wrong. If I were able to start over I’d do everything differently so others’s hearts got broken, other’s confidence got smashed & they were abandoned. And I was the one who walked away unscathed.

Play the game people because if you don’t then you’ll end up a loser like me.

7 notes

Just checking I’m still female…..at this point men usually think I am but then I start talking & they walk away as if I were a dirty old man in drag with tentacles.

So that’d be no more talking to men then….

Just checking I’m still female…..at this point men usually think I am but then I start talking & they walk away as if I were a dirty old man in drag with tentacles.

So that’d be no more talking to men then….

5 notes

Getting closer to what I always said I’d never do….

I have always been absolutely certain that I’d never post my pussy, even taking fully (relatively anyway) clothed pictures was scary enough for the first few months. But posting my pussy? No, never. That was a step too far & something that only a man I chose to be in bed with would see. Them being there would mean I liked & trusted them & found them attractive. If I trusted them then I should save my pussy for them, well that was the logic but it was also a manifestation of my fear of being so vulnerable.

There will be no them though will there? So now I’m heading down that path, this pic is the first step & scary enough but just what do I have to lose? I have nothing. The only thing I’ll be losing is my figure so while it’s not revolting then I may as well post it. I’ll be too old for even that soon enough. I hope I don’t just become another body that men don’t see as a human being or assume to be a slut (but each to their own). Actually of course most don’t see me as human anyway so I literally now have nothing to lose.

Be kind.

Getting closer to what I always said I’d never do….

I have always been absolutely certain that I’d never post my pussy, even taking fully (relatively anyway) clothed pictures was scary enough for the first few months. But posting my pussy? No, never. That was a step too far & something that only a man I chose to be in bed with would see. Them being there would mean I liked & trusted them & found them attractive. If I trusted them then I should save my pussy for them, well that was the logic but it was also a manifestation of my fear of being so vulnerable.

There will be no them though will there? So now I’m heading down that path, this pic is the first step & scary enough but just what do I have to lose? I have nothing. The only thing I’ll be losing is my figure so while it’s not revolting then I may as well post it. I’ll be too old for even that soon enough. I hope I don’t just become another body that men don’t see as a human being or assume to be a slut (but each to their own). Actually of course most don’t see me as human anyway so I literally now have nothing to lose.

Be kind.

Filed under selfshot MILF nude stockings tits pussy Middle Aged Woman

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Anonymous said - I wish I knew how to address you by name but since I’m asking you anon I guess it doesn’t matter anyway…I’ve read thru the vast majority of the 44 pages in your Tumblr site & would like to comment…It saddens me that someone such as yourself has consigned herself to a life of misery. I am a 50 y/o married male from the USA so you can rule out that “I want to fuck you vibe”. Please don’t be so forlorn that you allow your former tormentor to ruin the ret of your life - don’t give up!
I’m not sure I had consigned myself to a life of misery though I acknowledge it reads that way but, like most people, I report the bad news & not the good. There has been some good but I make a point of not talking about the good stuff when it’s happening in case I jinx it. Nobody here or on Twitter ever has a clue.
Of course none of that good stuff lasted. My heart beat faster, I smiled, I imagined I had some sort of non-solitary future for a while & then found I’d been taken in yet again & often lied to on an epic scale & not accidentally, mostly.
So now I’ve reached the point of no return & you are right. I’m done. I won’t be believing any more men & I certainly won’t be trusting them. That means I’m resigned to being single & never being able to put the last few memories of my ex behind me. I can’t visualise his face, I’ve forgotten most of our marriage, if I remember the good stuff I can’t recall him being there, any happiness I felt because of him I really can’t recollect any more. But the bad stuff? I needed new memories to blot that out & change my mindset & I won’t be getting those.
Because of my past it’s the knowing I have no future in that sense that it will be a miserable life but I won’t inflict it on others. It will probably make it in here though because this is as close as I get to talking it out. Can’t switch off the need to be wanted, held or have sex, have someone to share the good moments with. I have to live with that, I’m only human. And that really hurts.

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plaintrash asked: Hi I read your posts and I can't help but feel that your are one of the most amazing women I have ever read about. I hope there is a chance in hell that you might have time to just chat. Just a clean chat to get to know each other. I find you alluring seductive but real and exciting and sweet. It would be an honor to get to know you. My email is chazzic@yahoo Please email me. If only I could be so lucky to chat with a Queen

If you see my recent posts you’ll know I’m not in the best of places at the moment. And part of what put me here started with a message very similar to yours. In fact your message is incredibly similar in wording to about 10 others I’ve received. Most were from my stalker trying to suck me in to yet another fake relationship for his entertainment.

Why would I write to someone I know nothing about, and who hasn’t actually included a full email address?

If you’re real thanks for reading my Tumblr but having read it do you think I sound like a woman who’s going to take risks on strangers? I’ve tried it, I got burnt, it’s all in here. I’d guess you’re just cruising Tumblr looking for women to hit on. If you’re even real.

But actually I think you’re just Mr Kemp & you’re still getting off on trying to trick me. If you’re not him, but have the same motives, well the same still applies, you’re looking for a kick in the form of hurting another woman. Grow up.

I don’t want you to think I’m the reason I’ve given up on men though, a real man that I liked far more & completely trusted is the reason. That’s how to really hurt me. In you’re case you’re just an odious creep who’ll do anything to hurt people who liked you, and that doesn’t mean just me, or just women, as well you know. But so long as you were getting your revenge for……I, none of us, were sure what it was that needed avenging so cruelly.

Go away. I may be sad & pathetic but at least I’m not sick & twisted like you.