Someone asked me if I had found ‘the thing’ I was looking for…
No, I’ve not even got close. Had what I thought was my best ever offer, just a kiss (never a good thing to offer me, I’m driven by an overwhelming need to be kissed) but from a man I’d known a really long time (by Twitter standards) & always liked. Then I fucked it up, as I always do, pretty much by being myself & because I truly believed this particular man, more than any other, who was a friend to me, but now I realise, yet again, I meant nothing to him. Not even a friend.
I absolutely hate myself for that but it’s the usual issue, guys say things lightheartedly & don’t really mean it yet I’m naive enough to take it as the truth & assume there’s something genuine behind it. And I’m stupid to do so. At least this time I learnt what the problem is, apart from inflicting my face & age on them, it’s the being honest & saying what I’m thinking/feeling. That means just being myself really isn’t a good idea.
I should have worked it out far faster (just realising this is another fault of mine). If someone takes weeks to reply to an email, even when it’s an email they had asked for, with the pictures that they wanted in it & I know they’ve received it because they’d said so (via Twitter)……well then clearly I don’t rank anywhere, I’m nothing to them. Even basic manners don’t suggest that a reply, 5 minutes of their time is worth taking for me. Didn’t get a reply, knew he was repelled by what he saw, so when I couldn’t bear it any longer (am I that ugly? Well, yes, obviously) I emailed again to ask why. And this is from someone who said he suffered from (& yes, I believed that too) the same paralysing self-doubt & damage that I do. So he had the insight to know that that was really important to me & how it’d make me feel & yet that made zero difference when it came to responding. That’s a full on red light & screaming alarm bells to any sensible person isn’t it? But no, not to me, I’m that dumb.
I should have quit at that point but the need to be kissed & the chance for it to be by someone I thought I knew pretty well, thought really interesting & definitely trusted (& found very attractive) made me go back & try to forget that. Two more emails, answering questions he’d asked & after that 2 months again with no reply; I was beating myself up, I must have said something terribly wrong…..then I got the message. It was just a game & I’d gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick, again. So that’s something to learn & remember too. I believe people mean what they say (I’m far too trusting) when the actions, or lack of, are speaking far louder than words. I want to be right when everything is telling me I’m wrong but I choose to not see it.
That’s all very fresh, and topped off with some other bad news this week, it’s stopped me in my tracks. I’m incapable of spotting when I’m driving people away (by being too honest) or, more importantly, when I’m totally missing bloody obvious signals.
Totally unrealistic to think that a guy with as much going for him as he had would have any real interest in a very ordinary woman like me - I really should have spotted that from the off.
Should have realised that what men say & what they mean are two different things. Or that I don’t understand what’s between the lines when I really should. It’s not like I haven’t been there before is it?
Should realise that when emails aren’t answered it’s because they don’t want to, aren’t interested, don’t care, they have nothing to say & have far better things to do. For weeks or months. How stupid am I? It took me 2 months to accept I wasn’t going to hear from him. After all I’d even sent him some more pictures. When did I disengage my brain?
I should be aware enough to know that, just because it’s someone I really like it doesn’t mean that how happy & optimistic I’m feeling, is in any way reciprocated. And this is for just a kiss. Because that’s how much that simple thing means to me. That’s how fucking sad I am.
Should realise there’s nothing more stupid than being honest & open, I forever get that wrong. Honesty & openness are never the best policies. The only way I can remember to not do that again is to just not get involved, with any man, on anything other than the most superficial level. That’s all they really want but I always, always think it’s more. I put the work in for guys who spare me a few minutes every now & then. Or in this case not even that.
Should realise that no answer in 2 months is a great big fuck off that I’m just choosing not to hear. And if I give in & remind them (that I’d emailed them) & they say they’re going to read it but then I still hear nothing, well I’ve been being incredibly stupid for weeks & just embarrassed myself even further. I wish the ground would swallow me up, I’m so bloody thick - the facts were staring me in the face.
Should realise that the strategy of taking time to get to know people (which isn’t quite how it happened in this case) makes me no better informed about their honesty or integrity. And that time doesn’t mean you can trust someone. The only way you can trust is through action, words mean nothing.
That even friendship, and I thought we actually were friends, genuinely, doesn’t mean anything either. It’s as disposable as I am.
Should have realised that he was only interested because I unintentionally appeared disinterested. I got a few emails, with pictures & updates on his life but didn’t always reply, I was too busy. I looked at the pics & thought he’s gorgeous but knew full well he was probably sending the same stuff to lots of women. And really, why would a man like that be interested in a someone as ordinary as me. He came & went from my life & my mind, he disappeared regularly without explanation & sometimes wandered off mid-conversation. I didn’t deliberately do the same & I never left a conversation unfinished. But it seems nothing is more interesting to a man than disinterest, even if it’s accidental. Bitches do better but that’s not me so I don’t stand a chance.
That this is the guy who, when he was briefly responding to my emails, said I should give two guys who’d really hurt me a second chance. How fucking moronic am I? Not only did I do that, ignore my gut & then get smashed to pieces by both of them, again, but I let him steer me that way & didn’t see that was another great big ‘I’m SO not interested’ signal. All that extra hurt just because I thought I should do what he suggested. I tried hard to make something out of two men who had already demonstrated very clearly how little they valued or respected me. And he pushed me towards them. Because I am nothing. That was 4 months ago & I wasn’t thrilled by it but decided it was the advice of a reliable friend. Maybe a man’s intuition about other men is better than mine? It hurt me, I was pretty sure he was wrong but he said do it, so I did. Are there words to describe how blind I chose to be?
But above all else, by being discarded by a man I really liked, trusted & had known a long time, a friend, I now know there isn’t anyone who won’t hurt me given the chance. I hand them the chance on a plate so why am I still surprised when I’m they go ahead & do it? And then walk away.
So finding what I’m looking for? Only inasmuch as I now know I never will. I have nothing that men want, well except a body for a quick fuck. Paper bag job though. I’m old, ordinary, ugly & damaged. So I’ve been fooling myself, ignoring crystal clear signals because in my brain I’m still the woman who was always chased & wanted her whole life yet chose to stay with a man who then went on purposefully destroy me. Since then nobody in their right mind has wanted me, so anyone who says they do? They’re lying. Sheer weight of numbers. 100% of them have used me & walked away. I moulded myself to be what I thought they wanted, didn’t run when they made me uncomfortable & stuck with honesty & being myself.
Being myself is a reason to reject me, it’s clearly not something that appeals to men. Honesty is not attractive either. Age is not irrelevant or people wouldn’t keep saying ‘age is irrelevant’ when they find out would they? I finally thought that I had a chance of something, maybe a kiss, maybe more, with a real man I’d always liked & who I absolutely trusted. I’m now not sure what it was he actually wanted. I’m not talking love & marriage, I mean meet, kiss & go our separate ways or in all likelihood ditch my no one-night rule & sleep with a man I was attracted to, who I trusted & very much liked. I think he wanted some entertainment. I hope he enjoyed it. I’m so disappointed in myself.
But yet again I was just a game, the real me was incredibly unappealing, I did something wrong, I was too pleased, too demanding, I emailed too many times, I talked too much, I was old, ugly, over optimistic - I don’t know because they never tell me. They just go. And if this guy who knew me well & understood my background suddenly doesn’t want me, even for a kiss…..well what’s the point really?
10 years since the last rape(s) this April 5th. What would have been my 25th wedding anniversary (only just remembered that) in July. I think that’s enough years of false hope, humiliation & being let down, more than enough proof it’s never going to happen.
Being me is what’s so unattractive, being true to myself is a turn off, honesty is never the best policy, not playing games is a sin, being damaged is unforgivable.
And that’s game over for me, I’ve just been stupidly slow to accept that. I get it now. I’m done. I’ve been alone for 10 years & all I’ve experienced is rejection. I hate alone but no other option is available. Game over, here comes old age. If I live that long.
That’s what I’ve achieved in all this time. Coming to my senses, I’ve been wilfully blind & irrationally optimistic. I’m worthless & stupidly optimistic. So I’m done.
And I hurt so much now I’m having to face that reality. But thanks for the lesson. This time I won’t forget what I was made to learn by someone I trusted. So no more trust. Ever.